Not Knowing What To Say (Raphael)

[Leonardo]

(ooc: July 26th. Morning. Brotherly bonding thread. going to assume the other turtles know donny's the new leader by this point. And perhaps a little arguing it was leo and raph xD.)

Leo stood in the backyard training. He swung his new sword around trying to get the movements right only to trip as he fell to the ground. He scoffed in annoyance as he got up dusting himself off.

"Can't seem to do anything right. I got myself enslaved for months to Facilier's army. Nearly killed my family. Then I finally got free and nearly got myself and my family killed again. And then Bradley destroyed my bandana. One of the first gifts Father gave to us. And now I can't even perform a move I could easily do in my sleep." said Leonardo.

He sighed in frustration as he leaned against the deck grabbing a towel to clean off dirt and sweat on him. He'd been training since before the sun came up so at least a couple hours. So he guessed a little break wouldn't hurt. But he knew what the real problem was. His leadership or lack thereof.

"Maybe Donny should stay the leader. How many times did I get angry at them? I pushed them and pushed them. Too hard at times. No wonder Raph fights with me so much. A good leader leads his team and listens to them. I wasn't listening. I was expecting them to follow blindly. I thought I knew everything even when I didn't. Mikey and Donny trusted me too much and Raphael was the only voice of reason. I wasn't a good leader. Maybe I wasn't even a good brother." said Leo, thinking out loud.

He paused hearing footsteps and looked up seeing it was Raphael and forced a smile. Unaware he'd been thinking out loud he was glad to see his brother.

"Hey Raph. What have you been up to?" asked Leo.

Raphael

[Raphael]

(OCC: For sure. All good. I say gift of the ninja is where leo makes his announcement, and raph won't argue TOO much lmao)

Raphael when he was young used to be angry for not being leader. But now as a adult he was somewhat angry that Leonardo didn't value himself enough as leader. When leo told them about making Donny leader, raph was a bit stunned and a bit offended. Not because of Donny being leader far from it, he didn't mind Donny being leader at all. But he was offended that leo genuinely didn't value his leadership. And was also offended leo didn't think he was a worthy fighter. He was. Which was why raph protested at first. But Leonardo insisted, and due to leo's time here at critic's being somewhat fresh, raph didn't really want to stay angry at leo so he eventually accepted defeat.

But he didn't really want leo to not think he wasn't valuable. And he didn't want leo to think raph didn't care about him. He didn't mind Donny being leader, it made the most sense and if raphael was given the choice he wouldn't accept leo's proposal anyway. But he did mind that leo was doing it for the wrong reasons. At least that's what raph thought. He slept the night off, deciding to talk to leo in the morning.

He then awoke early, knowing damn well leo was awake. He snuck to see leo train, and seemingly fail some moves. Hm. It seemed facilier's spell really was affecting him more than he let on. Raph shook his head Leo's gonna kill himself from exhaustion again. I screwed up with him before. I ain't gonna do it now Raph thought to himself as he went to speak to his brother. But he stopped in his tracks as he heard leo's words. It seemed leo wasn't even decisive with himself anymore. That made raph feel absolutely devastated for leo. He thought leo was just insecure to being leader, but he now realized he was insecure period. This madness had to stop. And if leo wouldn't listen to the idea of being leader, he was going to listen to the idea of being worthy in spite of not being leader. Leo wasn't going to talk about himself like this. He was always a good brother and he always took care of him, Donny and mikey. That was a fact, leo was always good to them, even in his darkest days he cared about his brothers and raph wasn't going to listen to this.

He walked over to his brother, seeing leo's fake reaction knowing he wasn't going to let his brothers see his inner thoughts. Leo could fool mikey and Donny but he couldn't fool raph. Raph opened his hand to stop leo from talking "It's not about what I'M up to. It's about what you're up to" He then went over and held leo's shoulder affectionately, giving a affectionate but stern look "What's this I hear about you not being a good brother?" He replied insistently "That's not true. Never has been and never will be. Just because you've made mistakes here and there doesn't mean you weren't good to me, mikey and Donny. And it especially doesn't mean you weren't a good leader"

[Leonardo]

Leo paused at Raph 's words and his smile fell.

"I don't know. We've fought so many times. Sometimes I don't even remember what were fighting about but I've hurt you. I remember every time I hurt you and it hurts. Many times I said something stupid in anger. But it still hurt. I never forgotten but I keep doing it. And I've seen it. My counterpart led the Dark Turtles by fear. And sometimes I wonder if I've done the same. Once I thought Donny and Mikey trusted me to lead and you didn't.

But now I wonder if they were just afraid to speak up. I've put so much on my training. And sometimes I think I don't know the three of you as I should. You asked me to hang out with you and I just kept pushing people away . I don't remember the last time I was with you, Donny or Mikey alone and it wasn't training, or a mission." said Leo.

He paused with a sigh.

"I was practically a robot. Only caring about getting better. And you guys and Splinter got hurt before. Some of my plans failed or we didn't have time for one. Meeting Max has made me realize that I rarely did anything fun unless you dragged me into it. Sometimes I wonder how you all put up with me or so long. Sometimes I wonder if you even liked me. We fought so much I was starting to think nothing I could was right with you." said Leo.

He was in tears now wiping them away. Feeling so raw as emotions he'd ignored or buried for so long were coming out. Even before this war, he'd had his doubts but he'd rationalized their safety was more important. Or they had to stop the next big bad.

"I feel like I've wasted my life focusing so much on training. That I've missed out on everything else. I've missed out on life." said Leo.

He paused with a sigh.

"Sometimes I thought Malachite snatching me was my punishment but then I just kept hurting my family. I could have killed you, Mikey and Splinter in our fights and never known how important you are to me. And yet you still saved me." said Leo.

He smiled weakly pulling Raphael into a hug.

"I'll try to do better Raph. Just don't leave me ok? I was alone in Facilier's army. I don't want to go back to being alone again." said Leo.

[Raphael]

Raph's gaze faltered just a tad when leo rightfully pointed out they butted heads quite often. Raph wanted to say it was because they were just being brothers. But there were certain fights that would always stick out in his mind. Ones where raph said things he shouldn't of said. Of course raph would take it back ten fold and apologize but raph still felt the shame of saying things that couldn't be taken back. And there were times where he got physical with leo, hell he was physical with all his brothers. The only one he never put his hands on was Splinter. There were memories that raph wished he forgot. And seeing leo speak about how shameful he felt about his leadership and decisions, even believing raph was the only one who was reasonable to speak up whereas the other two were passive. It made raph regret some of his snarky and rude comments towards him.

"You know what. I've about had it with this attitude of yours"
"If I gotta deal with Mr. Intensity so do you mikey!"
"If leo doesn't start to chill out I'm gonna do some therapy. Butt kicking therapy"
"Standing with the foot? No way. You guys can be with leo's stupid plan but I won't. I got standards"

He sighed as the memories started to fade back. There was many times that leo, in fact, did have to be dragged to have a good time. But it was not because they didn't believe leo didn't want to spend time with them. It was the belief he was too worried about everything. Raph replied "Leo, listen. Don and mikey just, well, wanted to be supportive of ya trying to protect us and splinter. But I never really liked that you got nobody to look out for you back. I wanted to protect ya too, man. That's why I'd argue with ya. To try to get you not hurt" He sighed some more, feeling more open with his emotions that he had in years "I respected ya too as leader. I just had a funny way of showing it. Yeah you made mistakes, but you made a lot more successes. Every mission you lead we either won, made it out alive or got what we needed. At least I think so"

He then widened his eyes in surprise as Leo admitted that he was realizing he missed out on a lot of fun, and other things, due to being obsessed with training. Leo enjoyed training but now felt that he spent too much time obsessing over getting better and stronger for his family. And not enough time with his family. He then saw leo cry. Raph felt a bit saddened by this. He knew leo was finally being honest with him, the last time he saw leo so raw with emotion was when at april's farmhouse the first time shredder beat them. Raph then realized mikey's words some time ago was actually right. Leo acted the way he did for them and was really sacrificing what he wanted for what he felt his family needed. Raph teared up himself as mikey's wise words played through his mind.

"I think you guys should lay off on him. It can't be fun being the responsible one, having to focus all the time, we're the ones that benefit. Raph's free not to think cause leo does the thinking for him, don's free to dream and I'm free to take it easy. All because leo's responsible for all of us"

"Leo. You did what you felt was good for us. You cared about us, hell you still care about us. How does this make you a robot? Or a bad brother? Or whatever hurtful stuff that's going through your head?" Raph finally said as he allowed leo to say his piece. Raph then replied "You really think you were all about the mission? Dude, I don't know about you, but last time I checked, you've been worried about us through thick and thin. Sometimes I feel like you were worrying too much about us. You always encouraged us, helped us out when we needed you, took care of us when nobody was looking. Sure, you definitely needed to take breaks and maybe even cut the brakes but that doesn't mean you ignored us" He then widened his eyes more as leo replied that he was relieved he was saved due to possibly killing them without a single thought thanks to malachite's spell. Raph took a deep breath not wanting to even think about leo killing him or vise versa. Leo wasn't himself back then and nothing would change his mind on that. Raph then firmly said "Leo. You're my bro. And we stick together. Always have, always will"

He then was pulled into a hug. Raph, relieved, hugged him right back and tightly. He even felt his own tears begin to finally spill as he realized all of leo's emotions. He replied softly, and affectionately "I'm never, ever gonna leave you leo. People will have to pull me away or kill me before that happens. You were alone before but you ain't now. And you won't be alone ever again" He then held leo more tightly "I promise"

[Leonardo]

Leo sighed.

"I just don't know anymore. Maybe I was just fooling myself." replied Leo.

Leo blinked at him in surprise at Raph's words that he respected his leadership.

"Really? Thanks, Raph." said Leo.

Leo smiled weakly and then sighed again.

"Because it felt like all I started to care about were the missions. Stopping Shredder and the Foot Clan. Or the other villains we come across. Protecting people. Throwing myself and all of you into danger. And April, Casey, Cody, and more of our friends got put into danger as well." answered Leo.

Leo relaxed a little as they hugged each other.

"Thank you. And I won't let that happen." said Leo.

He was never going to let anyone hurt his brothers or Splinter, or their significant others and friends.

"Never thought I'd wake up this morning and end up with a heart to heart." teased Leo, trying to lighten the mood.