Nerds, Singers, Scientists and Rockers

[Linkara]

(OCC, set roughly between the gunslinger and Thing arcs. A thread for Linkara, Harvey, 90's Kid and Linksnao to riff a film sent by Dr Insano. The film? I shall reveal it to you... now)

"Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Letter containing poisonous tarantula, courtesy of Gunslinger. Bill. What's this?" Linkara was having a rest after he had walked the earth. And now he was looking over his stack of mail that was left from his previous resting place. And there, marked in blue print, was a video shaped package with the words: Courtesy of Doctor Insano.

Courtesouly, he took the tape out...

....

"Kid? Kid, we're back from Denny's! I swear, the food there is simply- KID!!" Harvey, with Linksano and 90's Kid , he thought, behind him, ran to check on Linkara, who was screaming and trying to turn in a circle.

"We-we-we-we-we have to watch... that." Linkara weakly pointed to a video cassete.

On it it said.

Barney's Great Adventure.

And Harvey knew that they were screwed.

[90's Kid]

Well. To Harvey and Linkara they were screwed, for the innocent teenage-like idiot though it meant fun and excitement. 90's kid was glad to be back from Denny's it was boring there so maybe this film would help him get entertainment. 90's kid cried out happily "DUDE! I love ba---Er come on how bad can this movie be? Let's just watch it to get it over with!"

It was obvious that 90's kid had a secret love for Care Bears and Barney, well the others knew but never confronted 90's kid about it. So, he only assumed they didn't know and wanted it to be kept that way. 90's kid grabbed the tape and went to the TV to plug it in. He then wondered "Hey guys! Where's Dr. Dude?"

[Dr. Linksano/Wayne Schlumper]

Linksano walked out joining the group hearing voices.

"What's wrong?" asked Linksano.

He saw Barney's Great Adventure lying on the table.

"What is that doing here? Oh please tell me we're not reviewing that." said Linksano.

He turns to run back to his lab but he hits a barrier. He frowns picking up the video as a letter drops out. He skims it shocked to learn he's trapped them in the living room until they review the movie. Linksano frowns tossing the video back onto the table in anger as he sits in a chair.

"Let's get this over with. I have things to do." said Linksano.

[90's Kid]

"Yay!" 90's kid responded, as usual absent from the others torture. He took the tape from Linkara's hands, put the TV on and put the tape in. Then he sat down. 90's kid turned to Dr. Linksano, Harvey and Linkara happily replying "Dudes come on! It's just a kids movie. How crappy can it be?"

[Linkara]

Linkara and Harvey stared at 90's Kid for about thirty seconds for that comment. "Kid, Garbage Pail Kids. Just... Garbage Pail Kids." Harvey groaned as he settled on the sofa. "So, we're gonna review this movie, Link's gotta give background/"

"Fine. Barney the Dinosaur was created 1987 by a woman named Sheryl Leach of Dallas, Texas. She came up with the idea for the program while considering TV shows that she felt would be educational and appeal to her son. Leach then brought together a team who created a series of home videos, Barney and the Backyard Gang, which also starred actress Sandy Duncan in the first three videos. Later, Barney was joined by the characters Baby Bop, B.J., and Riff.

For some reason, when they were remade for TV in 1992, they were a big hit, and they continued on their path of brain damage until 2010, changing owners and broadcasters several times. The show is loved by those who are 4-6, but has been heavily critisised for, and I'm quoting here from IMDB,

(1) All the kids look like they are (and they probably are) preteens and teenagers, and this dopey purple idiot is teaching them things like the alphabet, counting, colors, shapes, and everything else every 5-year-old should know. If this were real life, the kids (or, should I say, teens) would throw stuff at Barney and laugh, instead of sitting in awe while he teaches them the difference between indoor and outdoor voices.

(2) I know that using one's imagination is important, but here, Barney needs to tell them to imagine. It's as if they can't imagine so much as a rock without saying, with Barney's instruction, the magic words "Shimberee, shimberah, shimberee, shimbeRAAAAHHHH!"

(3) The show's methods of teaching lessons to the 2-to-5-year-old crowd are really lame. The dialogue is so banal that I can't see how even the cast members believe any of this junk. And the lines are not unintentionally hilarious enough to inspire a chuckle in a cynic like me. Except for one notable exception, the "5 Senses" episode, which contained lines such as the following (all said in amazed tone of voice):

"This rock is smooth...but it's hard!"

(banging on sand) "This sand is hard. (picking it up) But now it feels soft. (rubbing it in hands) But now it feels scratchy!"

(surprised/delighted even beyond usual "Barney" standard) "This chair is hard!!!! But the cushion is soft!!!!!!!!"

But, I digress, the show was apparently so popular that some comics were made (and are really hard to find, so no review there) and even a feature length, theatrical release film. Now, you may wonder how a movie which takes place in a backyard or treehouse, featuring kid actors who range from meh to terrible, with a giant purple dinosaur who teaches them stuff Kindergarteners know can translate for a featrical release.

Well, let's find out. This is Barney's Great Adventure."

Harvey sighed at the opening "First off, isn't this what you imagine when you think of Barney? Bleak, grey, rainy days with a car that has very, very dull overtones, set to a bleak song that is apparently cute and charming?"

"Also-" added Linkara "-some of these lyrics are a little questionable, kids, if you see a giant purple dinosaur who comes up to you and says he will take you to a land of imagination, run!"

[90's Kid]

(OCC: Am I going to hell for saying that I grew up and LOVED this movie?...and still really like it at my age)

90's kid listened to the lyrics and replied "Dudes. I gotta admit the lyrics are kinda creepy. Don't believe us. Listen"

As the opening of the movie commenced, the lyrics sang If barney the dinosaur comes up to you and wants to take you for adventure! Go and play with him! Have fun with him! To the world of imagination!

"Linkara's gotta point there" 90's kid said as Linkara commented about the lyrics too "If some weird purple dinosaur tells you to come with him I think you'd do the exact opposite and tell your mom to call the fuzz" 90's kid then frowned as the kids were shown talking, two girls enjoying barney but a boy complaining about it. 90's kid replied "Dudes. I think we have our heroes or protagionists or whatever you call the good guys. Don't like the boy, he's the typical 'I'm too cool for baby stuff' cliche hero"

[harv]

(OCC, oh shoot sorry, didn't mean to choose a movie you liked! It's just that I heard a lot of bad things about it, and yeah I'll shut up now.)

"Kid's got a point. The boy is your "Too cool for words cr*p." I mean, I know that there are movies that have got jerky, too cool characters as the leads, but they are generally meant to be disliked a little bit. I get the feeling that this is what the adult children must have felt like when their whiny little bro told them he wanted to see this."

Linkara took up the review "Anyway, the parents are..." He sighed "leaving to go somewhere, leaving the kids behind. You know, that is a cliche, what is it with the parents never staying with them. Anyway, the girls are named Abby and Marcella, and the boy is Abby's sister, Corey. Oh, and their little bro Fig."

"Who names their baby fig? I mean, I had a uncle named Oak, but that's beside the point."

"And, then the girls take out their Barney doll and start mocking Corey with it. This... is not going to end well."

[Dr. Linksano/Wayne Schlumper]

Linksano frowned watching it as he paused the tape bewildered.

"Wait a second. The kids actually look like belong in elementary school instead of the middle school kids and high school teens they used to have on the show. Not to mention didn't the show promote sharing and caring and all that stuff. In the first few minutes we have kids taunting someone for not having an imagination. News flash! Some kids grow up too[ fast. They stop playing with toys and get jobs or make their own robot to do their homework. Or they go outside and ride bikes or something." said Linksano.

He paused registering the baby's name is Fig.

"Oh please tell me their last name isn't Newton." said Linksano.

He sighed and pressed play as the film resumed.

[90's Kid]

(OCC: Actually Linkara, the boy's name is Cody. How sad is it that I know this?)

90's kid then commented "Yeah guys. Let's just agree the girls are mean for taunting someone for not really liking dolls and let's agree the boy's a ass for just being emo and moody over things that are considered "only for babies" kay?"

Then the film progressed and the boy went over to the girls, quickly snatching Barney and running around the house, while the girls demanded the doll brought back. 90's kid replied annoyed "Alright. Let's narrow it down. The little dude gets annoyed and steals the doll out of spite, dude, that's not what barney is known for man. Barney doesn't say if someone annoys you, you snatch their stuff simply because you can, he says BE NICE. Way to be two-face movie"

The girls and boy ran around the house. 90's kid chuckled "I hope they break something. It'd be funny"

Then the film showed that the boy threw the doll in the shower and put the water on. 90's kid facepalmed "Dude. Why are you doing that? Now you're just being downright uncool. It's one thing to snatch a doll but deliberately try to ruin it is another. Why put water on it? You could've just thrown it across the hall and it would've made much sense, bro. What's your problem with barney anyway? Seriously? Why so nasty? Barney is cool!"

[harv]

Linkara and Harvey shared nervous glances at each other, nervously wondering if they could critisize with 90's Kid in the room. Harvey picked up nervously "So... anyway. After the kid throws the dinosaur in the shower... for some reason, we then see that stuff is happening, as Barney grows into his normal size."

Linkara looked nervously around him "Er... Barney then leads the other kids to the barn... is my mind filthy or am I getting nervous?"

"It's filthy."

"Okay"

[90's Kid]

"Dudes! He's singing a song about Imagination with the girls and Cody is the only one who apparently doesn't understandbly, this is the only time I sympathize.. Because he's the only one that's aware a freaking purple dinosaur is swinging on the tires" 90's kid replied as the film progressed to the three children with Barney and singing a rather irritating song.

Then the film progressed longer. The boy in the film shouted things refering to the fact he believed in none of this which of course did not fade Barney's feelings and instead make the dinosaur happier and reply to the boy that he was tolerant of that. Leaving 90's kid to roll his eyes "Dude. Let's be a bit fair here. You're right it's pretty hard to believe but the freakin' dinosaur patted your back so I can say that if something touches you... and I mean this in the least innappropriete way possible, it's totally real!"

[harv]

"Okay, I was not born a girl..." said Harvey.

"For very long."

"But I would at least, at least jump when a giant purple dinosaur comes out of my shower and tells me he wants to be friends with me. That is just me, I have no idea how the female mind works. So anyway, Cody doesn't think Barney is 'cool'. I get the feeling that he will retract that statement by the end of the film."

He then listened to what Cody was saying.

"Real dinosaurs don't talk, real dinosaurs don't laugh, there aren't any real dinosaurs anymore."

Linkara was puzzled "You are reacting far too calmly. There is a giant purple dinosaur in front of you. Do you A]) Point out how utterly stupid he looks before he eats you, or B) Tell Grandad to get out a shot gun and Granny to put on the stew? Just saying."

Harvey continued. "And then they sing the Imagination song. And.... um. I can't really talk about this because I'm distracted by the thought of what the parents are doing. They've probably pulled into a driveway and are having sex."

"Harv!"

"Retract that statement."

(OCC, if that offends you, I apologize.)

[90's Kid]

(OCC: No problem. That was too funny XD)

A clip of Monster's INC came a bit after what harvey said about Granny and Grandpa most likely coming by and attacking Barney. The clip showed a hillbilly boy telling his mother that it was another gator in the house and the mother attacked the "gator" harshly. 90's kid turned to Harvey and replied "Sorry dude. Can't help but think hillbilly when you mention shotguns"

He then frowned shocked as Harvey made a joke that the only reason the parents weren't here was to basically bone each other. He then blushed bright red, as he both understood and didn't understand the joke. In order to change the mood he replied "Hey dudes! Look something to distract our fans from the joke harvey made!"

Then the film showed the girls going over to Cody and replying "Hey why not come out and hangout with us?"

Cody rolled his eyes and replied "I'm not into that. Besides, I got new shoes on so lay off? OK?" Then barney came with rolls on and a plaid shirt with a farmer's outfit waving hello to the children

[harv]

Harvey scratched his head "What, does having new shoes mean that he automatically come and hang out with them? Well that's one technique the 20th Century forgot to teach me." He then stared wide eyed as Barney roller skated back on "Okay... stop. Please, enlighten me, why did he feel the need to dress up? I mean, does he do that for every occasion? Like... for when he teacehs?"

A picture of Barney wearing a mortar board and black jacket came up.

"Or when he goes golfing?"

A picture of Barney wearing golf clothes pops up.

"Or, god forbid, he goes evil?"

Dr Insano style Barney appeared.

"So-" interrupted Linkara. "-Old McBarney, no I'm not even kidding, they sing Old Macdonald had a farm. I- Just stop if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be incredibly cool if you wrote some original songs that.... aren't sung by Bernadette Peters and aren't just set to a boring backdrop?"

[90's Kid]

"Oh god. Barney sings old mcdonald and cody trying to get them to shut up, steps in animal poop" The clip next shows exactly what 90's kid describes. 90's kid laughed sarcastically "For a second there I thought people would just try and use better humor than just toilet humor. Well if done well toilet humor would be boring so let's just randomly put poop in somewh---AHHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly to distract 90's kid from making a point about using toilet humor right. Baby Bop appeared. While BJ and Barney were ok and loved in 90's kid's eyes, Baby bop just somehow scared him to death. Baby bop waved hello and replied squeakingly "Where's my blankie? Have you seen my blankie?"

90's kid meanwhile freaked out. He jumped onto all three of the men, Linksano, Linkara and Harvey, trying desperately to hide from baby bop. He yelled loudly "Keep her away from me dudes! She'll eat my soul! She'll rape me with that yellow blanket of hers! She's like totally freaking scary!"

(OCC: Side note: No I am not afraid of baby bop. Love her. However, I need to make 90's kid dislike something more than just the way the movie is shown)